Dominic Monaghan Ate My Hamster

It is a truth, universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of good fortune, will lie when describing himself in the singles ads.

In fact, I think all these people are lying.  I happened to glance through the singles ads in The Sunday Telegraph at work recently, not my copy, someone left one lying about.

I can’t believe that there are so many attractive single people about.

And wealthy.

Men seeking women, women seeking men, women seeking women, men seeking men, cats seeking dogs, the list is endless, but they all describe themselves as attractive.

And/or sexy.

And/or athletic.

And/or naturally blonde.

If they’re so damn gorgeous, why are they single?

I’m starting to think these ads are little like estate agents blurb, so where a spacious studio apartment is described, which actually turns out to be a garage, a naturally blonde, mature, athletic female, is actually a grey haired shot putter on hormone replacement therapy.

I myself am of course single.  Not necessarily looking, but the thought does flit across my mind from time to time.  I can’t reply to any of the gentlemen advertising, because they’re all seeking slim, attractive brunettes.

I could place my own, slightly dishonest advert, which would read something along the lines of:

Attractive plus size sexy lady, natural brunette, seeks Matthew Fox look-alike of ample means for fun, friendship, maybe more.

But that wouldn’t be truthful, and any gentleman responding to that would be doomed to disappointment.  And I could probably be sued under the Trades Description Act.

I have however quite genuinely, drawn up an advert for the Telegraph, with the correct number of words and without telling any porky pies.  I haven’t had the courage to actually submit it yet, but I will.  I really will.

This will be submitted under the Women seeking Men section:

Fat and gone to seed 37 yr old fake redhead. Geekish tendencies, likes everything except jazz and fruit. Seeks male with pulse. Wilts.