Dominic Monaghan Ate My Hamster

“If opening available there is, penis through it man will put“

~Old Jedi Proverb

I have, over the years, come to the conclusion that along with having a penis, comes the insatiable urge to stick it in things. I’m not sure whether it’s male hormones that cause this phenomenon, after all you don’t get women turning up at A&E units with various items of household equipment stuck on their clitoris do you?  Do you?

Admittedly it is somewhat smaller (unless of course you’ve got a touch of the Iain Banks’ Wasp Factory about you)…but still we don’t seem to have the urge to try and stuff it into things.

A man who went to casualty with his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder.

It seems to me that if there is a hole of adequate (or sometimes even inadequate) dimensions, then there is not a man who will not endeavour to stuff his manhood into it. Hoses, pipes, exhausts, the list is endless and even the neck of a wine bottle can prove irresistably tempting to those of a somewhat smaller persuasion, I know, I took the call.

I am under no illusions, that were I to be blessed with such an appendage that I would not have reached my 37th year without some scarring caused by insertion into more than one inanimate object…I’ve often thought that I’ve had the propensity for a rather unnatural attraction to the neck of hot water bottles.  Or maybe it’s just the smell of warm rubber…

At this point of typing I was going to move on to discuss those personages who prefer to have things inserted rather than to be the inserter…but having looked at the evidence, that going to require an entry all to itself.